I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
