Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
