Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
