I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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