apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
