What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
