Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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