M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
