So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
