your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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