I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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