i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
