I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
