I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
