That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
