Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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