I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
