Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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