i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
