allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
