I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"