tell your sister to shave her snatch
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
