Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
