I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
