I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
