I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
