i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
