Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
