you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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