i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
