I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
