he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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