I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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