i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
