I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
