We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
