The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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