I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
