like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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