Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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