JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
