you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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