this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
