and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize