bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
