I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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