I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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