It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
