dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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