my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
