You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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